How do I scold my little one without hurting his feelings?

Discipline and good behavior of the little ones are just some of the issues that concern parents, we often wonder if we are being strict or irrational, if we are cutting their freedoms too much or if on the contrary our child needs a little more character.

Surely you have contrasted your parenting model with that of your parents and perhaps you have decided to take a different direction from how they corrected or punished you, the first thing to remember is that times change and that each parenting style is different, what your parents did with you may not necessarily apply to your children. That said, let's move on.

Respectful parenting is very much in vogue, in which parents usually talk openly with their children to set limits and rules, all in a very civilized way, but what happens when my child throws a tantrum? when he/she gets angry and does not listen to reason? or when he/she actually breaks a rule, putting him/herself at risk or causing problems to others?

The first thing is to be very clear that violence is never recommended and that more and more psychologists and therapists are moving away from the old 'spanking or reprimands' that parents and grandparents used to give. The 'good spanking' does not exist today, on the contrary, it can create traumas and resentment in your child.

Here are the most frequent recommendations in this matter:

Choose the right moment, the best thing is that you can scold him/her as soon as he/she performs the behavior you are trying to correct, so the association of punishment/action will be more evident. This is essential if your child is very young or if he/she is scattered, he/she will be able to clearly see the cause and the consequence. The only scenario where the reprimand can be given some time later is if you are very upset or angry, since you need time to calm down and see things in perspective, avoid yelling or treating him badly. You will disturb communication and the trust between the two of you may break down. If you are very upset, the best thing to do is to put him/her in the 'punishment circle' or 'thinking corner', leave him/her there for a few minutes and then, with calmer spirits, make the rules clear.

Avoid shouting, it only leads to misunderstanding, puts the parties on the defensive and is also violent. Try to calm your tone of voice and firmly tell them what is wrong. Tomas, it is NOT allowed to hit your brother', 'Alejandra, it is dangerous to jump on the furniture, you can hurt yourself', will be much more effective than a shout that frightens them.

Remember that you want to instill respect, discipline and obedience, not irrational fear of their parents.

Be direct with the complaint, if your child is messy and does not like to pick up after playing, even if it sounds repetitive, say ''You must ALWAYS pick up when we play, we don't like messes'', so there will be agreement between action and complaint. If you say something generic like ''It's always the same, a mess'' he won't be able to differentiate well why you are angry.

Don't threaten him in vain, rather let him know that every action carries a consequence. Since you misbehaved you will spend so many minutes without watching TV', 'Since you didn't pick up after playing you are now only allowed to play with these toys, the others will be confiscated until you learn to be responsible'.

Be consistent with your scolding, if one day you scold him for hitting his little brother, don't allow him to push a child in the park the next day. Consistency is key for him to understand what he can and cannot do.

Never compare him to other children, focus on his behavior and correct him in time. Unless they are in a quiet episode at the park, see a child doing something not allowed and use them as an example. Encourage conversation, 'Did you see the boy in the red sweater pushing others? You're not allowed to be violent to other children, you know that?' And then you can have a real talk about what's allowed.

Don't emotionally distance yourself or blackmail him with affection. Let him know that even though his behavior was not appropriate you still love him, that because you care about him that's why you scold him to make him a good person, make him understand that it's your duty to correct him but that you love him.